having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
