You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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