R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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