I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
