John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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