I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
