I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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