So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
