Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
