i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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