The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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