According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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