She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
