I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
