respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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