I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
