Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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