Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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