You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
