I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
