Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
