I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I don't deserve a penis
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
