i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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