Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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