Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
