he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Randomize
