I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
