I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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