Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Randomize
