She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
