dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
