i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
