Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
