I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
