Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
