she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
