JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
