I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
