Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
from now on my penis is your penis
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
