I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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