How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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