i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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