Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
And then the night went full on bisexual.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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