What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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