i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
