Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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