did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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