OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
