I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Found the puke drawer
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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