the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
